I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
