I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
