my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
