So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
