Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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