so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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