I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize