My hair reeks of homosexuality.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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