currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
