I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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