I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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