mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
