You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
