hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
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