Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize