he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
This is classic penis vs brain.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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