Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
