that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
