he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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