we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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