you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
