please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
