made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize