I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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