you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
