You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
