I think my fart just growled at me.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
