he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
