Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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