Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
