You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
