I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
