so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
