12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
