The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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