I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize