Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The Olympian is in my bed
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
