Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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