I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
