I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
dude. I can hear the air.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
