totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize