We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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