sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
