We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
