please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
