There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
