Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
