that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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