i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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