Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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