You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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