By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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