Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
he was CRYING into my vagina
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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