ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
