My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
