coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
